this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
