His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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