You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
