Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize