I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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