My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
