I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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