I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
