I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm getting married
To pizza
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
