why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
