dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You ruined the universe
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
