You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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