Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
