the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
