I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
