is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
