Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
