legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
