the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
