My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
