Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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