i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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