We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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