Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
