He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
