Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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