you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
smell my finger.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
