You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize