Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
