idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
