So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Can you bring me the toilet please
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
