This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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