we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
