We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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