Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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