I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
