There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
