you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
