It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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