Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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