I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
