I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
