my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
