There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
