I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
