I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She announced her abortion via fbk
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize