So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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