I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
