i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
