The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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