...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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