I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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