ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
