I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
