the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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