woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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