Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
